Archive for satire
The Free Through Line
Posted by: | CommentsUNCONFIRMED: Washington June 8, 2008
Report states that an unidentified Obama Staff Member was found behind the White House with a measuring tape and a box of chalk.
An official said, “The man was found drawing what appeared to be the boundaries for a basketball court on the driveway.”
When confronted by White House guards, the staffer explained he was taking measurements for the new basketball goal and BBQ grill.
Where I Stand?
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1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS A ND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, ‘WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?’ SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
5. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
6. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
7. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
8. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
9. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO ‘GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?’
10. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
11. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
12. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
13. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
14. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
15. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
16. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
17. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
18. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
19.. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
21. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
22. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
23. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
24. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
25. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
26. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?
27. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED ‘HEMORRHOIDS’ INSTEAD OF ‘ASSTEROIDS’ ?
28. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?
29. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
30. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Florida Retired Squirrel
Posted by: | Comments
In Florida, most do not realize that all creatures, both big and small, come to the tropics to retire.
The proof is in the pudding (so to speak).
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
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If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull …
But that’s not the worst of it-
My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here’s the worst of it —
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter…..either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Thank’s Diane