Apologizing: An Antiquated Concept?

From Interactive Sermon on April 4, 2008

I’m wondering if anyone else has noticed how few and far between genuine apologies are these days.  You?  There’s no mistaking the fact that taking ownership of or responsibility for words and actions is a virtue lost on our day and age.  Every hurtful word one utters is justifiable.  Every hurtful action perpetrated is deserved.  We offer answers - not apologies.

We tend as a society to be so self-focused that we fail to recognize that our words or actions have had a harmful affect on others.  We’ve lost our sense of others-awareness.  With that, we’ve largely lost sight of some good emotional expressions - among them contrition, remorse, and shame - when we’ve spoken or acted in a way that has hurt another.   

Let me call your attention to two words: I’m sorry.

When you hear the words ‘I’m sorry’ today, it’s often spoken self-servingly.  Simon Cowell on American Idol, for instance, specializes in peppering contestants with ugly and hurtful words about their performances like, “You looked and sounded like you were drunk!”  A chorus of audience reaction erupts and Simon demonstratively tags his comment with a mock apology, rolling his eyes for the cameras and shouting, “Sorry!”

Not everyone is as brash about it as Simon.  Some attempt to disguise their self-serving by gently adding a commentary to their apology.  A sure giveaway is the word ‘but’, as in “I’m sorry, but…”  When you hear that, the offender is usually engaging in blame shift (see the end of my first paragraph).  In a sense what they’re saying is “I’m sorry you were offended, but here’s why you are wrong to feel that way.”

Or, there’s the ages-old forced apology.  Picture a scene that pretty regularly plays out in homes with pre-teen siblings.  A 12 year old snatches a video game controller out of his 10 year old brother’s hand.  The 10 year old cries and tattles on his older brother.   Mom - busy in the next room -  intervenes by threatening the offender: “Tell your little brother you’re sorry, or no more video games for you tonight!”  It’s too bad that Mom doesn’t have eyes in the back of her head that can look around a corner, because she misses the 12 year old adding the brand new obscene gesture he just learned at school to his, audible-enough-for-Mom’s-benefit, apology.

Back to those words: I’m sorry.

When they’re spoken in a genuine sense rather than self-servingly; when they’re spoken for the benefit of the offended rather than in the interest of of the offender; when they come from the heart rather than ulterior motive; when those emotions of contrition, remorse and shame have truly given them rise - they have the potential to be a wonderful healing balm.

A preacher’s prescription: Practice making genuine apologies.  Make the words ‘I’m sorry’ a most meaningful part of your vocabulary.

 

Thanks Brother Darin for another great post.  BDG